the domesticity of pie

Today another meeting with my counselor.  Today we talked about how much I don’t like endings.

Why don’t you like endings? she asked.

Because endings are abandonment, and I will never abandon anything or anyone who has a glimmer of goodness.  And I would have to take responsibility fortrrcci making a choice, and I don’t trust my decision making process.  Therefore I rarely make choices for myself.

She asked about my decision to quit my cleaning lady job.  How did that make me feel?  Well, I haven’t really quit it, because they asked if I would work until they could find a replacement, and that might take several weeks, and I said, of course I would keep working, even though I don’t want to keep doing it.  Nor have I told the transcription office that I want to stop doing that, either.  So I still have three jobs, and I am so very tired, and I don’t think I am doing a very good job at any of them.

We talked about my motivation towards a goal.  Any goal.  Can that goal be to drink every night until I can’t think, and then sleep in until 10 a.m.?  Then I’m IN like FLYNN.

So much is changing, and it feels there is very little control for me.  It is just HAPPENING, at the pace of outside forces.  Sometimes when that happens I go into ultra obsession with food and working out, and sometimes, I am on the exact opposite side of that, and I just want to ignore everything and eat and plummet to the bottom of the emptiness and wander around in nothingness.  And that is what I am doing right now.

So much of my fatigue and jangled nerves is diet related, probably 99.9%.  For whatever reason, I have not been able to bring myself to take my meds at all for weeks, or sleep, or eat in any reasonable way.  I have been drinking every night since I got married, and binging on chocolate, sugar, and coffee during the day.  The only exercise I get is cleaning at night.

If only I could understand where this UNmotivation comes from.

Tonight I have a pie baking in the oven and I am about to start on yet another glass of wine.  Because of scheduling I won’t be able to leave on Friday night to see JB, that will have to wait until Saturday afternoon.  I don’t feel bad, life happens. I have a life and details and work to attend to, and I can sleep in my own bed and try to get a few things accomplished. before I make the two hour drive.  I don’t even feel selfish about it.  Maybe I am getting better at taking care of myself than I give myself credit for.

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