pudge

This morning I stepped on the scale.  115 pounds.  ugghhh…. I can feel it in my body, see it in the way my clothes are fitting.  Feeling short of breath at the top of the third flight of stairs, still Continue reading pudge

just between you and me and the rest of the world

I love the way you touch my hair at church. It makes me feel so connected to you, makes the service an intimate spiritual event that we share in public view. You sit on the outside of the bench and Continue reading just between you and me and the rest of the world

my friend vino

two nights without a drink. this is progress, right? I am up at least ten pounds. Jeans getting tight, and craving sugar and carbs and eating everything in sight, for weeks now. I don’t quite understand the momentum behind a Continue reading my friend vino

just breathe

Session with my therapist today, who had two questions: What would it take to have the courage to face my anxiety without resorting to dysfunctional coping behaviors? What is my plan if my needs cannot be met in my new life? Continue reading just breathe

the domesticity of pie

Today another meeting with my counselor.  Today we talked about how much I don’t like endings. Why don’t you like endings? she asked. Because endings are abandonment, and I will never abandon anything or anyone who has a glimmer of Continue reading the domesticity of pie

do you see it? messages for my heart

I sat in my car at a stop light, watching a couple standing on the street corner.  The man reached over and took the woman’s hand and they waited together.  As I watched this moment, the sad crept over me Continue reading do you see it? messages for my heart

countdown to half a century – day 159

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I actually haven’t looked at my countdown timer in a while and when I did, the number of days left gave me anxiety.  I started this project well over a year ago, with 554 days to the age of 50.  554 days seemed like a huge amount of time.  How can it be down to only a few short months?

If you are interested in the full project you can see it here, at 365project.org.  It’s a pretty cool website.  Free, but you can do a $20 a year upgrade.  The site allows you to upload a photo every day and display it in a calendar, and include information about the exposure, title, and description.

My intentions were to have a self portrait uploaded for every single day but life gets in the way of most plans.  However, the project is fairly complete.

Yeah.  Watch me age.

A single woman’s perspective on February 14th

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The day started out well enough, a late Friday the 13th night beginning of a few enough shots of rum and chocolate, and a two hour chat with a dear friend of mine.  We discussed the LDS church and temple recommends.  That’s an interesting conversation to have while intoxicated.  One step at a time through that emotional minefield.

I ran a few errands Saturday morning.  Pharmacy, but only the only one… the other is closed on weekends.  I hit a thrift store and scored some great throw pillows and a lovely comforter cover for the couch.  I love a good bargain.

My cute grandson brought me over flowers and chocolates.

I baked a cherry pie and ate half of it.  Made a pina colada with a banana, some pineapple, coconut milk, and vanilla rum.  I haven’t done anything productive since.  No walk, no healthy food.  Just hid in my room and listened to music while I played on my laptop all day.  The relationship of the M&Ms has been creeping into my head again lately, and much as I try to shake it off, the lonely quiet of my flat gets to me, the feelings of being worthless by default, worthless because of my age.  I look in the mirror and I see gray hair and wrinkles and that I am gaining weight again, probably five pounds.  Ugghhhh…..

JB texted me late.  It’s nice to be in the final thoughts of his day.