Session with my therapist today, who had two questions: What would it take to have the courage to face my anxiety without resorting to dysfunctional coping behaviors? What is my plan if my needs cannot be met in my new life? Continue reading just breathe→
Today another meeting with my counselor. Today we talked about how much I don’t like endings. Why don’t you like endings? she asked. Because endings are abandonment, and I will never abandon anything or anyone who has a glimmer of Continue reading the domesticity of pie→
I feel overwhelming sadness and despair…. that I am so completely worthless to this world and the people I love. I start to cry many times a day. The worthless pulls at me, slowing my steps and making it hard Continue reading Nothingness→
After a couple of days of discussion, I drove the two hours to see JB late Friday night, with plans to return home some time early Saturday afternoon. As usual, I didn’t want to stop the enjoyment of the weekend and Continue reading Weekends are never long enough→
The day started out well enough, a late Friday the 13th night beginning of a few enough shots of rum and chocolate, and a two hour chat with a dear friend of mine. We discussed the LDS church and temple recommends. That’s an interesting conversation to have while intoxicated. One step at a time through that emotional minefield.
I ran a few errands Saturday morning. Pharmacy, but only the only one… the other is closed on weekends. I hit a thrift store and scored some great throw pillows and a lovely comforter cover for the couch. I love a good bargain.
My cute grandson brought me over flowers and chocolates.
I baked a cherry pie and ate half of it. Made a pina colada with a banana, some pineapple, coconut milk, and vanilla rum. I haven’t done anything productive since. No walk, no healthy food. Just hid in my room and listened to music while I played on my laptop all day. The relationship of the M&Ms has been creeping into my head again lately, and much as I try to shake it off, the lonely quiet of my flat gets to me, the feelings of being worthless by default, worthless because of my age. I look in the mirror and I see gray hair and wrinkles and that I am gaining weight again, probably five pounds. Ugghhhh…..
JB texted me late. It’s nice to be in the final thoughts of his day.
I woke up this morning feeling indignation at the whole of last year, and that I am deemed so disposable and inadequate. Started feeling depressed, then stopped. Seething rage welled up. I need this job, need the benefits and the way my Continue reading the road to perfection is full of rage→
sometimes it feels so inescapable. worthless worthless worthless like it is written on my forehead i am silenced. watching him walk away to be with someone else without looking back knowing that i am not enough or he would Continue reading silenced→
The question of how do I resolve the issues of religion in my life have been wandering around my head for over a year. Spiritually I feel so completely out of sync, and I have for quite a while. Caught Continue reading God, if you are listening….→
Time to get back to getting this body and mind working better. The percolation in my head brings me back to me me me me me me me me me…… ME. Last night I went for a walk in the Continue reading It’s about time→
Perhaps I am pulling myself back together again, Humpty Dumpty style. Yesterday I did good. Yesterday, I didn’t cut. I didn’t binge. I didn’t starve. I didn’t cry (much). I stayed on task with work. I took about 50% of my Continue reading Humpty Dumpty day→
JB began texting me yesterday morning, that he felt his prayers were not being heard, that he had been fasting a lot lately but God was silent to him, that he must know God’s will, and he can’t keep seeing Continue reading don’t go away mad, just go away→
I took a couple of days off from DC and spent Thursday and Friday in frustrating unfocused brain fog, unable to get much done, and feeling the mounting pressure of deadlines. I again remind myself that my food choices have Continue reading paint me a picture of the future→
For the first time since we resumed communication I did a tarot reading looking for clarification relationship. In my point of view, It’s one of the most accurate readings I have done. It gave no guidance, no hint of a Continue reading Day 30→