God, if you are listening….

The question of how do I resolve the issues of religion in my life have been wandering around my head for over a year.  Spiritually I feel so completely out of sync, and I have for quite a while.  Caught in between two worlds, not one or the other.  I haven’t attended an LDS ward in several years, with the exception of going to church with JB in December.  Last week I looked up the location of meeting house where I should be going.  Not that it really matters much, but the LDS church prefers that you attend where you are geographically located.

There is just so much guilt associated with the LDS religion in my mind, like I can never be good enough.  That is part of the reason I have been attending a non-denominational Christian church, but not even there much this last year.

JB asked me a while ago about my thoughts regarding returning to the LDS faith.  I told him, “so if I wanted to get baptized that means I want to be active in the LDS church and I do and I don’t.  I like going to K2.  If I want to be baptized then I want to feel able to participate in the full realm of the LDS church and have my temple recommend back, and if I want that then I want to be sealed, and I want a partner who would want to be sealed to me, and what guy would want me for that.  If I do this, I feel like I will remain single for the rest of my life, God’s punishment for my sins.”

It just feels so frustrating, no matter what.  It would be painful to come back into full standing, and take more time than I want it to.  It’s no one’s business.  The church would require 10% of my income in tithing and I am barely getting by as it is.  I don’t like the dress code.  I feels like I would be lying, no matter what.

Or that it would appear that I am doing this doing it to get him back, and if we don’t resume, that I would stop.  Therein lies the truth behind my fear.

******

I have been editing this post over and over again, not liking one word of what I have to say, because today I feel out of sorts.  All of my, “I’m going to focus on being healthy” reminds me that I have nothing else going on for me except for work and the quiet of my flat.  That sentence keeps looking like “the quiet of my fat“.    Too true.

  • Clean up my diet…  but what appeals is dairy and sugar and bread.  Yes, bread.  And chocolate.
  • Take my meds…. but I forget, or I don’t forget and I just don’t want to.  That’s really the truth of it.
  • Track my macros….  too much effort.
  • Stay on top of workloads….  hahaha!
  • Triathlon to train for….   what am I trying to prove?
  • Get in tune spiritually….  ya, right.  Like God would listen to me.
  • Fix the relationship with the M&Ms…  get real.

*****

Job one called job two yesterday.  I was panicked.  Any time B calls, it is bad news.  He said, you have to take this account, there is no one to do it.  It’s only another half hour a day.  You have done the account before.  It’s another $400 a month.  There was nothing else to do but reluctantly agree.

Two more hours a day at DC.  Another hour a day in my office.  The money is meaningless, I just want a life, and time to live it.  Someone to live it with.

I miss JB.

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